Yeah right!
The Test
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
We have a Mention again!
The Oven Fried Chicken Recipe was mentioned in the iEDWINnl Paper! Awesome and thanks!
Happy Hump Day!!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Ehm....hellooo???
Ehm....good morning...!
In case you missed this one yesterday on facebook...hehe...
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u blody luvum!!!
Missing cigar...
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
Ad failure...
Happy Monday!
You Know It's Time to Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
Whiskey Vending Machine...that's what we need!
Happy Sunday!
Enjoy!
A conversation between a bartender and a man:
Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!
Man: I had it all – Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..
Bartender: Then… what went wrong?
Man: Well, then my wife found out!
Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!
Man: I had it all – Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..
Bartender: Then… what went wrong?
Man: Well, then my wife found out!
Funny Pics...
Just assuming that it may have been possible alcohol was involved here...
Like I was sayin.........
Some funny pics:
Happy Friday!!
Brilliant Ads...Part one!
Men Are Just Happier People..
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Two Secretaries
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Betty, I just don't know what to do," Pam said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Nate in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" Betty exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any trick to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress". "What should I do?" asked Pam. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
Funny Road Signs
Vodka: Always Useful Part 2:
To treat dandruff, mix 1 cup vodka with 2 teaspoons crushed rosemary. Let it sit for 2 days, strain through a coffee filter then massage into your scalp and let dry.
Make your own mouthwash! Mix 9 tablespoons of cinnamon with 1 cup of vodka. Seal in an airtight container for 2 weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth but of course remembering NOT to SWALLOW.
Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
Treat earache. A few drops of vodka in your ear for a few minutes, then drained, will kill the bacteria causing pain in your ear.
To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back.
Make your own mouthwash! Mix 9 tablespoons of cinnamon with 1 cup of vodka. Seal in an airtight container for 2 weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth but of course remembering NOT to SWALLOW.
Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
Treat earache. A few drops of vodka in your ear for a few minutes, then drained, will kill the bacteria causing pain in your ear.
To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back.
You Got Mail...
Happy Hump Day!
Vodka: Always Useful Part 1:
Remove bandages painlessly, first saturate the bandage with vodka, which will then dissolve the adhesive.
Clean bathtubs and showers, fill a spray bottle with vodka, spraythe bath and shower, leave for 5 minutes and then wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka actually kills mould and mildew.
Clean your glasses. Just wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
Prolong the life of your razor blades by filling a cup with vodka and soaking your razor blade after shaving. The vodka not only disinfects the blade but also prevents rusting.
Vomit stains? No Problem. Simply spray vodka on the stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
Use vodka on your face as an astringent. It cleanses the skin and tightens the pores.
Now that's my kind of shampoo! Add a splash of vodka to a bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
Fill a spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. Or possibly just make them very drunk.........hope they're not mean drunks....!
Clean bathtubs and showers, fill a spray bottle with vodka, spraythe bath and shower, leave for 5 minutes and then wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka actually kills mould and mildew.
Clean your glasses. Just wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
Prolong the life of your razor blades by filling a cup with vodka and soaking your razor blade after shaving. The vodka not only disinfects the blade but also prevents rusting.
Vomit stains? No Problem. Simply spray vodka on the stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
Use vodka on your face as an astringent. It cleanses the skin and tightens the pores.
Now that's my kind of shampoo! Add a splash of vodka to a bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
Fill a spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. Or possibly just make them very drunk.........hope they're not mean drunks....!
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender...
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Ow smart...
Happy Tuesday!
12 Rules by Men
Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2: If you don`t want to dress like Victoria`s Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don`t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don`t rub the lamp if you don`t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9: Don`t fake it. We`d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11: When we`re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn`t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 2: If you don`t want to dress like Victoria`s Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don`t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don`t rub the lamp if you don`t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9: Don`t fake it. We`d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11: When we`re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn`t need directions and neither do we.
Having eh...computer problems??
Happy Monday ehm...!
Haha!
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ I said 6.”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s exactly what I said!”
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ I said 6.”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s exactly what I said!”
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
Yeah yeah...
Ehm...Happy Saturday!
Perfect for the Melon Vodka Ice Cream recipe from yesterday haha!
Eeww...!
Did you knew....?
The word “toast,” which means wishing good health originated in ancient Rome. A piece of toasted bread was literally dropped into wine back then.
Most people think that drinking alcohol raises the body temperature. Alcohol actually lowers the body temperature.
Here is a little surprise : The national anthem of United States “The Star Spangled Banner,” was written to the tune of a drinking song.
Although “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” is considered to be the shortest sentence that includes all the letters of the alphabet, alcohol lovers came up with one of their own “Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.”
The first Thanksgiving Day didn’t include mashed potatoes, turkey and all other foods that we usually eat on this particular day. However, there was beer, brandy, gin and wine.
Most people think that drinking alcohol raises the body temperature. Alcohol actually lowers the body temperature.
Here is a little surprise : The national anthem of United States “The Star Spangled Banner,” was written to the tune of a drinking song.
Although “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” is considered to be the shortest sentence that includes all the letters of the alphabet, alcohol lovers came up with one of their own “Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.”
The first Thanksgiving Day didn’t include mashed potatoes, turkey and all other foods that we usually eat on this particular day. However, there was beer, brandy, gin and wine.
Huh?
What's for dinner today...??
Shorty
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: “Wife Wanted”.
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
What The Suck??
Uh...
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’
The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon………You got nice house’
The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon………You got nice house’
Oh really??
Happy Hump Day!
Uhm..
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
He he!
Another Drink Fail..
Hahaha!
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Happy Monday..
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing ass!"
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologised for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more a** this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car!"
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologised for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more a** this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car!"
Drink Fail..
Hahaha!
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day and this pretty young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day and this pretty young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Happy Friday!
Ha ha ha!
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'
Thirsty Thursday!
Duh!
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Yeah!
Happy Wednesday!
Beer Bottle Domino
Good Morning!
We have a new Mention!
The BarBQBoozers "Bar Talk" Page has been mentioned in the iEDWINnl Paper!! Awesome!
Oooww...
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
Some more "Welcome" mats Part 3!
Back to work....happy Monday!
Barbie Joke!
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”
He he...
Happy Sunday!
Alzheimer's Test:
How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?
1. F_ _K
2. S_X
3. P_N_S
4. BOO_S
5. _ _NDOM
see below...
Answers:
1. FORK
2. SIX
3. PANTS
4. BOOKS
5. RANDOM
You got all five wrong didn't you?
Well,Congratulations!
You don't have Alzheimer's but you are a pervert...
1. F_ _K
2. S_X
3. P_N_S
4. BOO_S
5. _ _NDOM
see below...
Answers:
1. FORK
2. SIX
3. PANTS
4. BOOKS
5. RANDOM
You got all five wrong didn't you?
Well,Congratulations!
You don't have Alzheimer's but you are a pervert...
Let's get banana's....
A Floatie
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer.
After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?"
"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?"
"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
Snow-White...
Ha (Ha)!
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him.
He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
Ehm...???
Good one!
Oh Mister Weather Man!
Men are like....
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them
Lesson #1:
Attention Ladies: Comebacks to Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
He he...
Happy Hump Day!
Great In Bed
A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper. It read: "I need a man who won't beat me up...won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed".
The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadriplegic on her doorstep. "You have no arms" she said... he answered: "I won't beat you"
"you have no legs" she protested... he said "I won't run away with other women!"
Embarrassed she inquired: "How can you be great in bed?" His answer: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadriplegic on her doorstep. "You have no arms" she said... he answered: "I won't beat you"
"you have no legs" she protested... he said "I won't run away with other women!"
Embarrassed she inquired: "How can you be great in bed?" His answer: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Blind Date
Two college friends met for coffee on Saturday morning.
"How was your blind date?" one girl asked the other.
"Aweful!" the other answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"
The disappointed college student replied, "He was the original owner."
The Tequila Punk Daily
We have a Mention in The Tequila Punk Daily!! Of course with the new recipe from the Burgerman! Go check it out!
Disney fun!
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying
“Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying
“Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
Oww...
Ain't that right!
A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.
The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, “Hey, I bet I know something that all of you don’t know. I know all of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb.“
The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, “Ok, what’s the capital of Texas?“
The blonde smugly replied, “T.”
The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, “Hey, I bet I know something that all of you don’t know. I know all of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb.“
The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, “Ok, what’s the capital of Texas?“
The blonde smugly replied, “T.”
Good Morning!!
I knew it!
Password...
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
Good Morning!
Funny Sunday
Aaaww....
Fail!!
Oh no not again!
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, I'm Jesus Christ.
The first priest says, No, son, you're not. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, No, son, you're not.
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it.
He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're here again?
He says, I'm Jesus Christ.
The first priest says, No, son, you're not. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, No, son, you're not.
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it.
He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're here again?
More Favorite Pick Up Lines (by popular demand)
I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions to your place?
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you a parking ticket? Because its just you've got fine written all over you.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call, fine print!
Excuse me, I think it's time we met.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off.
If life is a meat market, you're prime rib.
See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Can you touch my hand? I just wanted to know what its like to be touched by an angel.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
They say that beauty protects against all evil. With you around I feel really safe!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you a parking ticket? Because its just you've got fine written all over you.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call, fine print!
Excuse me, I think it's time we met.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off.
If life is a meat market, you're prime rib.
See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Can you touch my hand? I just wanted to know what its like to be touched by an angel.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
They say that beauty protects against all evil. With you around I feel really safe!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Playground for Adults?
Some Favorite Pick Up Lines (who's??)
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
If I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.
Go up to someone, and check his or her shirt tag and say Sorry, I was just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.
I know that milk does a body good, but gosh, how much have you been drinking?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Are you lost ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I want to call your mom to thank her.
My friends voted you The Most Beautiful Girl Here and the grand prize is me.
I'd say Bless You when you sneeze, but I can see that God already has.
Hi I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!
If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right, someone said you were looking for me.
I think I'm in heaven because you look like an angel. Can you take off your shirt so that I can check for wings?
Damn girl, you have more curves than a racetrack.
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
If I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.
Go up to someone, and check his or her shirt tag and say Sorry, I was just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.
I know that milk does a body good, but gosh, how much have you been drinking?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Are you lost ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I want to call your mom to thank her.
My friends voted you The Most Beautiful Girl Here and the grand prize is me.
I'd say Bless You when you sneeze, but I can see that God already has.
Hi I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!
If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right, someone said you were looking for me.
I think I'm in heaven because you look like an angel. Can you take off your shirt so that I can check for wings?
Damn girl, you have more curves than a racetrack.
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Hehe...
A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman.
Hey, the policeman says, your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?
Well, the man says, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
Hey, the policeman says, your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?
Well, the man says, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
Drunk?
Ehm...
Hahaha!
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch.
The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.
He then takes the last shot and does the same.
The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
And the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick!
The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.
He then takes the last shot and does the same.
The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
And the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick!
A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before problems start! The bartender gives him a beer.
Again, the man orders a beer again saying, Give me a beer before problems start!
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, When are you going to pay for these beers?
The man answers, Now the problems start!
A man walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives the Irishman started to leave. The bartender asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
Again, the man orders a beer again saying, Give me a beer before problems start!
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, When are you going to pay for these beers?
The man answers, Now the problems start!
A man walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives the Irishman started to leave. The bartender asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
No??
O-O...
Oops...
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Funny "Welcome" Mats Part Two
Eat Twitter Daily
We have a mention of the Banana Bailey's Cream Pie in the Eat Twitter Daily!!
Why She Changed Motels....
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Funny "Welcome" Mats
Funny Pics
Hahaha!
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Ugh...
Ah TG!
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
New: McBurnt Burger
Oops...
Homemade Bacon Vodka (yeah, no typo!)
makes up one pint
Fry up three strips of bacon.
Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps. Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks. That’s right- I didn’t refrigerate it.
At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.
via Brownie Ponts
Fry up three strips of bacon.
Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps. Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks. That’s right- I didn’t refrigerate it.
At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.
via Brownie Ponts
Fail!
9 Things Beer Can Do For You!
1 – Polishing furniture: Sound like a good time to you? What if there’s beer involved? Let some beer sit until it goes flat, then, dampen a washcloth with it, and rub your wooden furniture. This will polish it, and give it a more shiny and healthy look.
2 - Bathe in it: Add a few cans of beer into your bath. Believe it or not, it will do you good. The yeasts are good for softening and soothing the skin.
3 - Marinate Meat in it: Use beer instead of wine to marinate your meat. Not only does it taste better, but it also makes the meat softer and more tender.
4 - Help grass grow easier: Pour beer on those irritating brown spots on your lawns to help your grass grow. The grass absorbs the nutrients, sugar and energy it needs to be able to grow.
5 - Kill slugs and snails: Fill containers or wide-mouthed bottles or something of the sort with beerabout a quarter to half way up. Then bury these in your garden. The slugs or snails will be attracted to them and drown.
6 - Kill mice: This may sound a little far-fetched but fill a bucket or pail up about a third of the way with cheap beer with a board or something leading to the rim at the top. The mice, smelling this, will jump in, and not be able to climb out.
7 - Calm a stomache: Just sit down and drink a beer. This carbonated drink will settle your stomach right down. The alcohol helps reduce the pain as well. Don’t use if you have an ulcer or gastritis.
8 - Polish gold: Wet a piece of cloth with some beer and start rubbing your gold (no stones) to get the shine back. Use a second cloth to dry it.
and
9 - Cook with it: When boiling shrimp, try using beer for the cooking liquid. Season as you wish, but don’t overcook.
Cheers!
2 - Bathe in it: Add a few cans of beer into your bath. Believe it or not, it will do you good. The yeasts are good for softening and soothing the skin.
3 - Marinate Meat in it: Use beer instead of wine to marinate your meat. Not only does it taste better, but it also makes the meat softer and more tender.
4 - Help grass grow easier: Pour beer on those irritating brown spots on your lawns to help your grass grow. The grass absorbs the nutrients, sugar and energy it needs to be able to grow.
5 - Kill slugs and snails: Fill containers or wide-mouthed bottles or something of the sort with beerabout a quarter to half way up. Then bury these in your garden. The slugs or snails will be attracted to them and drown.
6 - Kill mice: This may sound a little far-fetched but fill a bucket or pail up about a third of the way with cheap beer with a board or something leading to the rim at the top. The mice, smelling this, will jump in, and not be able to climb out.
7 - Calm a stomache: Just sit down and drink a beer. This carbonated drink will settle your stomach right down. The alcohol helps reduce the pain as well. Don’t use if you have an ulcer or gastritis.
8 - Polish gold: Wet a piece of cloth with some beer and start rubbing your gold (no stones) to get the shine back. Use a second cloth to dry it.
and
9 - Cook with it: When boiling shrimp, try using beer for the cooking liquid. Season as you wish, but don’t overcook.
Cheers!
Always wanted a Six-Pack??
Catfight
Some Quick Jokes
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong”
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.
They named him “Sum Ting Wong”
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.
Beer...Blondes...Bikinis...
Good Morning!
Oops....
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Ehm...
Blonde Paint Job!! (thanks Jerry!)
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Another Bud Light Vid!
That's crap!
Time for a Joke!
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Breakfast is ready!
Poor Bob...
He is a very fast drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Funny!
Budweiser has done it again!
Uh Oh...
Yes Please!
Some Marketing Failures Part Three...
Those are lighthouses? They'd be great in the Cock soup (see Part one)!
I'm not eating at this place...
Now that might work!
Time For A Vid!
Happy Hump Day!
Elderly-After-Sex-Conversation:
'Was it good for you?'
'I don't remember'
'It was three minutes ago!'
'Who are you?!?’
'I don't remember'
'It was three minutes ago!'
'Who are you?!?’
The Mike D Daily
We have a mention in The Mike D Daily , with Burgerman's awesome Pork (Poke) recipe!! Thanks Mike!
Some Marketing Failures Part Two...
I would like to have seen him do this...
WHAT??
Dutch Driving Theory Test
Time for a Joke!
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room. He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it."
The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it."
Some Marketing Failures Part One...
DOOMED FROM THE START:
Lose weight, then go have some pie and ice cream!
Lose weight, then go have some pie and ice cream!
That's great! I think everyone should have both a DRAEM and a DERAM!
Too many people just have DREAMS these days!
Too many people just have DREAMS these days!
Who the Hell was in charge of their advertising!?
Smart...
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ‘‘TORNADO!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ‘‘TORNADO!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”
Time for a Vid!
10 Impressive Bottle Walls
Check this out!!! If we, the BarBQBoozers, had only one of these walls....wow!
Watch these...
The Mike D Daily!
The Bisque(y) soup from the Burgerman is mentioned in The Mike D Daily! woohoo!! Thanks Mike!
Time for a laugh!
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
uh oh...
New Government Warnings on Alcohol
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. It has come to our attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10."
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 a.m.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant --- the new guidelines should read...
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10."
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 a.m.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant --- the new guidelines should read...
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Drunk Celebrity News in Brief
HOLLYWOOD!—Pregnant singer Pink says if her baby would have been a boy she was going to name him Jameson, after her favorite drink. Good thing she doesn’t drink Fighting Cock. Lady Gaga has revealed she’s on “the drunk diet” and likes to “drink whiskey and stuff while I’m working,” and this announcement in no way has anything whatsoever to do with the fact that her bartender boyfriend is about to release a book called “The Drunk Diet.” Foxy Brown showed up at Fashion Week in NYC so drunk she was escorted out of Red Bull Space in SoHo. I have no idea what that sentence is trying to say. Charlie Sheen revealed he likes to wake up to the crack of ice in the morning. Or just plain crack. About 100 celebrities were arrested for DUI.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number ONE thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
Time for a (Dutch) vid (with subtitles)
Joke!
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken".
Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken".
Time for a vid!
Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate when driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front at your mother.
It you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
When you have chocolate, it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
With chocolate, size doesn't matter. Its always good.
You don't have to BEG to get chocolate.
You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday morning.
It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
"If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate when driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front at your mother.
It you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
When you have chocolate, it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
With chocolate, size doesn't matter. Its always good.
You don't have to BEG to get chocolate.
You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday morning.
It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
Funny Pics
Okay....The Ultimate Bar Pickup Guide Part 3!!
Didn't know it was that difficult...but here's part 3!
Blonde....
A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He takes her hand and says, " Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." he sighed,"..."let's put all these Frosties back in the box"!
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He takes her hand and says, " Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." he sighed,"..."let's put all these Frosties back in the box"!
Mmmmm....Burgers!
BLONDE TO BLONDE
A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for
speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing!"
Funny Pic!
Good Morning!!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday,
ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed t! he boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday,
ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed t! he boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
Funny Pic!
Blonde.....
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?"
He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"
She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard this time."
He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"
She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard this time."
Okay....The Ultimate Bar Pickup Guide Part 2!!
Guys!! Here's part 2 of The Ultimate Bar Pickup Guide!!
Good Morning!
Time for a Joke!
The Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Ways to Annoy the Pizza Guy
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Then ask
that this be done to your pizza.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that
word."
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation
Some more "senior" jokes...
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘ I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
--
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
--
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘ I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘ I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘ I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
--
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
--
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘ I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘ I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
A few comics...
This is an actual ad (heart burn remedy)....so funny!!
Some "Senior" jokes!
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘ I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
--
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a soda.’
--
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘ I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’
The doctor said, ‘ I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
--
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘ I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
--
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a soda.’
--
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘ I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’
The doctor said, ‘ I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
--
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
It's National Kissing Day today!
Kizz this, and cheers! (it should be global!!)
Want an Icecream Cheeseburger??
Seen at the Florida State Fair: the ice cream cheeseburger, from Carousel Foods. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a cheeseburger, topped with lettuce, pickles, tomatoes and, you guessed it, a giant scoop of fried ice cream
Dear...
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google
Dear Rubik’s Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can’t. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
Dear Romeo,
My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…
Sincerely, Juliet
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast
Dear Prince Charming,
You’ve got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google
Dear Rubik’s Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can’t. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
Dear Romeo,
My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…
Sincerely, Juliet
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast
Dear Prince Charming,
You’ve got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
Oh dear...
A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions,and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions,and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind.
Talking about hot!
Good Morning...
Hope you didn't wake up like this guy....!
Happy 4th of July!!!
If Condoms Were Being Sponsored
:-))
Need a new Apron??
Food News Daily
We have a mention in the Food News Daily, edition July 1!! Awesome!
Funny Vid!
Some Inappropriate Ad Slogans:
Okay....The Ultimate Bar Pickup Guide Part 1
Guys!! If you really want to know how... check out this article....of course, it's written by a guy...
Want a Woouf??
They say the bigger the cushion the sweeter the pushin', but what if there's only meat in those buns because said actual cushion resembles a mad savory hamburger? For pillows that raise just such a question, check out Woouf.
via Thrillist
via Thrillist
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night…
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
- Can you please pass me the remote control?
- Do you accept Visa?
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- Do you get any premium movie channels?
- But I just brushed my teeth...
- Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
- Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
- Did I remember to take my pill?
- But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
- You're almost as good as my ex!
- Now I know why he/she dumped you...
- What are you planning to make for breakfast?
- I have a confession...
- You can cook, too, right?
- Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Confusing...
A glass...a bottle..
Hot Grilling!
It can get very hot near the grill...
Bar Jokes!
A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally walks over to her and asks tentatively, “Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!!!!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and so he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars???”
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!!!!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and so he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars???”
Funny Shot Glasses!
Happy Saturday!
Cheers!! :-))
"Beer Run" performed by cats... sorry Garth!
You play golf??
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Oh....
Sadly, this Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor exists only in the magical world of Photoshop. However that does not dilute the glory of "Ron Swanson's All of the Bacon & Eggs You Have" ice cream...flavored with scotch, no less.
Ron Swanson is, after all, a man who knows good food. The Parks & Recreation character, played by Nick Offerman, did spawn his own signature turkey burger. The famous "fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger" started out as something imaginary too, so perhaps there's hope for his ice cream as well.
via Eater
Ron Swanson is, after all, a man who knows good food. The Parks & Recreation character, played by Nick Offerman, did spawn his own signature turkey burger. The famous "fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger" started out as something imaginary too, so perhaps there's hope for his ice cream as well.
via Eater
Foul balls and beer
Bar Jokes...
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
uh oh...
Cockatoo Ridge Wines can be hilarious when there is a tree around…
Finally!!!
It's the first day of SUMMER!!!!! Let's drink to that :-)
Okayyy...... who's joining??
On tap for Atlantic City this weekend: the World Beer Pong championship. A three-day tournament to be held at Resorts Casino Hotel starting Saturday will result in one team of players being awarded the $25,000 grand prize.
Beer pong involves teams bouncing or tossing ping pong balls into cups of beer. But in the tournament, glasses of water are used.
Sam Pines, commissioner of the tour, says his group took an underground activity popular on college campuses and turned it into a national competition.
The grand prize will be awarded June 28.
Beer pong involves teams bouncing or tossing ping pong balls into cups of beer. But in the tournament, glasses of water are used.
Sam Pines, commissioner of the tour, says his group took an underground activity popular on college campuses and turned it into a national competition.
The grand prize will be awarded June 28.
The Grilling with Rich BBQ Daily!
Woohoo! We have another mention in The Grilling with Rich BBQ Daily of the Chicken 43 recipe...awesome.... thanks Rich :-)
The Grilling with Rich BBQ Daily!
Wow! We have a mention in The Grilling with Rich BBQ Daily of the Chicken 43 recipe...awesome.... thanks Rich :-)
Funny Pics!
wow Bruce....
Funny Pics!
How about this!! An Old Ford Grill....!!!
....Are the burgers ready yet???....
....Are the burgers ready yet???....
Funny Vid! A little lesson....
Bar Talk
So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about what all of the conversation going on around you actually means, what people are actually "saying"?
- "I'll get this one, next one is on you." = Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
- "You get this one, next round is on me." = We won't be here long enough to get another round.
- "I haven't seen you around here for a long time." = You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??
- "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" = I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
- "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) = You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
- "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) = I'm horny.
- "What do you have on tap?" = What's cheap?
- "I've had like 10 beers already." = I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
- "Excuse Me." (male to male) = Get the #%*! out of the way.
- "Excuse Me." (male to female) = I am going to grope you now.
- "Excuse Me." (female to male) = Don't even think about groping me, just get the #%*! out of the way.
- "Excuse Me." (female to female) = Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man.
- "I don't have my ID on me." (female) = I'm 19.
- "I don't have my ID on me." (male) = I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30.
- "I'll get this one, next one is on you." = Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
- "You get this one, next round is on me." = We won't be here long enough to get another round.
- "I haven't seen you around here for a long time." = You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??
- "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" = I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
- "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) = You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
- "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) = I'm horny.
- "What do you have on tap?" = What's cheap?
- "I've had like 10 beers already." = I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
- "Excuse Me." (male to male) = Get the #%*! out of the way.
- "Excuse Me." (male to female) = I am going to grope you now.
- "Excuse Me." (female to male) = Don't even think about groping me, just get the #%*! out of the way.
- "Excuse Me." (female to female) = Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man.
- "I don't have my ID on me." (female) = I'm 19.
- "I don't have my ID on me." (male) = I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30.
Funny Vids!
These two vids you HAVE to watch! Okay the first one's in dutch but you'll get it anyway....:-))
First there was this commercial:
First there was this commercial:
and then followed by this one.....
Funny Vid!
Funny Pics!
Don't say we didn't warn you.....
Funny Pics!
Cheers!!
TGI Friday’s introduces ‘Buy Your Friend A Beer’ app!
TGI Friday’s, an America restaurant, has introduced ‘Buy Your Friend A Beer’ application for Facebook users to help their friends to buy a beer during summer.
According to the company, the new application enables any Facebook user of 21 years and older to buy their friends up to five beers by ‘liking’ the Friday’s fan page and placing an order through the custom tab.
Cheers!!
According to the company, the new application enables any Facebook user of 21 years and older to buy their friends up to five beers by ‘liking’ the Friday’s fan page and placing an order through the custom tab.
Cheers!!
Sometimes Additional Explanations Are Just Not Needed.....
Would you order The Caperon??
I wasn't sure if this would fit better under "Boozy News" but I decided it was better for this "Bar Talk" Page...
The Caperon, For When You Need An Apron But Also Might Need A Cape:
It took a LOT to make an apron worthy of a 21-tong salute. An apron that makes you feel like you can burst through walls and
blast BBQ sauce from your fingertips. In fact, we dare you to strap on a Caperon and resist the urge to fly.
Here’s some more important information about the Caperon:
The Caperon, For When You Need An Apron But Also Might Need A Cape:
It took a LOT to make an apron worthy of a 21-tong salute. An apron that makes you feel like you can burst through walls and
blast BBQ sauce from your fingertips. In fact, we dare you to strap on a Caperon and resist the urge to fly.
Here’s some more important information about the Caperon:
- Spangled with more stars per square foot than the Milky Way.
- Will make terrorists think twice before targeting your next pig roast.
- Rumored to have the power of spontaneous marination.
- Comfy fit ensures exposed arms and torsos won’t suffer dry rub.
- Official outfit of country recording sensation BBQ Bill and the Barbecuties.
- Endorsed by Swiftwing, King of All Bald Eagles.
Cooking an entire steer??
Why not!! In Greenville, SC, Jeff Bannister and friends roasted a whole steer, 863 pounds. Grilling took nearly 20 hours, they used four cords of wood. It fed more than 300 people!
via wsj.com
via wsj.com
Great American Woody
Even the most dedicated drinkers need to escape the bar and get outside (while still drinking, of course). And of the booze-slinging set, nobody has taught us more about cocktailing on the go than Jim Meehan, of New York's lauded P.D.T.
First, he debuted the ultimate bar-tool roll-up, and now he's teamed up with DIFFA, interior designer Brad Ford and bag maker Moore & Giles to create the Great American Woody.
The tricked-out camper features a full-size pull-out bar that can hold more than 30 bottles and has a full ice trough, space for glassware, a pony keg, and a wine rack on the side.
And since nobody can live on booze alone (as hard as we might try), the Woody also boasts sleeping accommodations for two and an entertainment system. It's heading out on the road soon, making stops at the Aspen Food & Wine festival and the Fall Race at Keeneland, before parking at DIFFA's Be Present event, where it'll be auctioned off to benefit AIDS research.
for more information and pictures: http://www.tastingtable.com/entry_detail/national/3892/Ways_to_drink_better_outside.htm
First, he debuted the ultimate bar-tool roll-up, and now he's teamed up with DIFFA, interior designer Brad Ford and bag maker Moore & Giles to create the Great American Woody.
The tricked-out camper features a full-size pull-out bar that can hold more than 30 bottles and has a full ice trough, space for glassware, a pony keg, and a wine rack on the side.
And since nobody can live on booze alone (as hard as we might try), the Woody also boasts sleeping accommodations for two and an entertainment system. It's heading out on the road soon, making stops at the Aspen Food & Wine festival and the Fall Race at Keeneland, before parking at DIFFA's Be Present event, where it'll be auctioned off to benefit AIDS research.
for more information and pictures: http://www.tastingtable.com/entry_detail/national/3892/Ways_to_drink_better_outside.htm
Funny Pics!
The BarBQBoozers Lounge!!
Funny Pics!
:-))
Bar Jokes!
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Bar Jokes!
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
The Mike D Daily!
Wow, the S & M Burgers are mentioned in The Mike D Daily, thank you Mike!!
The Ricaso Daily!
We were mentioned in the Ricaso Daily, how great is that!!
The Mike De Los Santos Daily!
We have a mention!!! Thanks Mike :-))
Funny Vids!
The Burgerman posted this one on his FB wall...... hehehe....
Drink fault-finding guide: a solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Funny Vids!
The Mike D Daily!
We have a mention of the Piri Piri Chicken recipe in The Mike D Daily!! Thanks Mike!!
Bar Jokes!
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Bar Jokes!
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Funny Pics!
Quote: "If you look closely, you may notice that the package looks an awful lot like, uh, a package. This is my go-to first-date elixir, because I’ve found that nothing says, “let’s bang,” better than pounding hard liquor out of an engorged penis".
via smokingjacket
via smokingjacket
Funny Vids!
Funny Vids!
Funny Pics!
aaawww.....
5/25/2011: Alcohol Warning Labels...
1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
Funny Quotes!
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Unknown
Unknown
Wayne Brown's Blog!
We were mentioned in Wayne's Best of May 15-22 thankssss Wayne!!
The Mike D Daily!
The Bellini Cocktail is mentioned in The Mike D Daily!! Awesome Mike, thanks :-)
Funny Pics!
Don't say we didn't warn you...hehe
Funny Pics!
Yeah!! Cheers!!
Funny Quotes!
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart
Humphrey Bogart
Funny Pics!
Gotta luv the Capt'n....!!
Funny Quotes!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Frank Sinatra
LA Times!
Funny Quotes!
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde
The Mike D Daily!
We were mentioned in The Mike D Daily edition May 15, 2011!! Thanks Mike and cheers!
The Food News Daily!
We were mentioned in The Food News Daily edition May 14, 2011!! Thanks Heather!
The Mike D Daily!
We were mentioned in The Mike D Daily edition May 14, 2011!! Thanks Mike!
Funny Quotes!
Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean.... Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
Unknown
Unknown
Funny Quotes!
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best
George Best
Funny Quotes!
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
George Burns
The Mike D Daily!
Our Boozy Beans recipe is mentioned in The Mike D Daily on May 9th!! Cheers and thanks Mike!!
Water or Wine??
To paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't..
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't..
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
